Miscakes
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[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
OKAY DAD
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
Succinctly put.
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.