Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
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To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
For those that worship cheese..
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month