I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
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I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.