[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
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The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
(driving in a bad neighborhood)
me: *slowly locks my door*
murderer in backseat: *slowly locks their door*
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.