I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
You Might Also Like
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
I think the cat got the dog high.
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.