Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
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What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
Can’t. Being lazy.
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed