This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
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*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.