They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
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CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
I’ve been learning to cook.
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me