Its a hippotatomus
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My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.