Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
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9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”