Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
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Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
also check out:
hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
Hot Panini is in big trouble
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
my first day as a raccoon
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?