Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
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Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
Boating season is upon us.
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]