One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
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Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
When I was a young boy the doctor told me I had a lazy eye..
by the time I was 50 it had spread to the rest of my body.
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
This is enough internet for the day.
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time