just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
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*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
I feel seen
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole