watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
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I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
Them: You should try keto
Me:
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
My safe word is Worcestershire