I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
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Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.