My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.
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Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
Breaking news:
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks