Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
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Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done