My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
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“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
You deplete me
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket