Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
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nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
NOT all policemen are strippers.
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters