Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
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And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
cats when you pet them too long:
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.