Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
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Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
Just a friendly reminder!
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”