Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
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Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
british sex workers really pound for pound
Banana is the quietest snack
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
That lamp looks PISSED.
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked