Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
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“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
got so much cardio in today
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
The struggle is real.
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.