Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
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A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
me, after any kind of buffet.
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
Seems a bit forward
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
I never know how much to tip a cow.
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok