joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
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GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
I have a place for everything. The floor.
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone