Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
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Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality