I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
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This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
worst…sale…ever
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.