Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
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Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
I can’t deal with men any longer
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL