Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
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ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
If I ignore life will it go away?
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
Friends that check up on you >
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.