Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
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WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
Jesus steals the winter solstice
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
Look, if you’re worried about hidden cameras in your Airbnb, just send me in ahead of time. I’ll put on a little show in every room, and the owner will pull any and all hidden cameras no sweat.
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
who wants to go expliring
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today