“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
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my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
My circle of trust is a meatball
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.