*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
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I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”