What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
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If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
We’ve all been there…
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
Chemical wingman
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.