Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
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A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
new year update: losing everything but weight
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek