Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
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Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
Weirdos gonna weird.
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”