Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
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Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
the pigeons are already plenty salty
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.