Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
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the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
“I asked you to find me some books about birding.”
“Yes, are these titles not helpful?”
“No! These books are all about going out and looking at birds. I don’t want to do that!”
“I’m now equal parts eager and apprehensive to find out what the word ‘birding’ means to you.”
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.