“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
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If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
#MeanwhileInCanada
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?