a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
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When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
“i am a sweet baby”
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.