Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
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Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
When I snag the last meatball.
My time has come.
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime