I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
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One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
iPhone X
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
I know
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
Your secret is safeish with me
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?