My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
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The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
inventing words: clothing
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.