I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
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Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi