Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
You Might Also Like
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
Des Moines Police having a normal one
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD