“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
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Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
RT if you could go either way.
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.