I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
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Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
Follow me for more life hacks.
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III