GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
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Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!