Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
You Might Also Like
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.