“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
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Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”